Just because I smile
Mumma, I see you. I see your heart and I see that you’re not smiling today. Your heart is grieving your loss. But I want to tell you this..
Just because I smile, it doesn’t mean I am happy.
Just because I smile, it doesn’t mean my life if going the way it should.
Just because I smile, it doesn’t mean I am not hurting.
Just because I smile, it doesn’t mean my house is in order, and my kids well behaved.
Just because I smile, it doesn’t mean I don’t think of my loss.
But I smile, because I have His grace today.
The story of a pregnancy loss can be like riding waves. It can be a wild one for a minute followed by the calm and stillness of acceptance.
I remember my first pregnancy loss like it was yesterday. Seeing myself bleed on the day I was meant to go in to look at the screen in the doctors office and smile with joy, was frightening and at the same time a time filled with hope. I still remember being wheeled into the operating theatre to have this pregnancy cleared. I still remember my third pregnancy loss; an ectopic pregnancy picked up just before…just before what could have been a devastating end to one of my tubes. I still remember labouring in excruciating pain at midnight, wondering if this is what slow death felt like. I still remember curling up in bed overnight in pain, only to have no joy of holding a baby at the end of it all. I remember it all. The fourth, the fifth. The details may be slightly blurred, but the emotions never get blurred out. Yes, they get less intense, but like waves, when they come, they come at me hard. I know I loved hard, and therefore I have to grieve hard.
But dear mum, I want to also tell you this. I have smiled since.
The welcomed news of my seventh pregnancy, the healthy and safe arrival of her precious life into our arms. I smiled when her big sister met her for the very first time. That image will never be blurred; even though I was high on the good stuff they give you after you’ve had a baby in hospital, I still remember that first meet of the two sisters. My world…I smiled.
But not everyday. Somedays I can’t smile. It’s too hard!
Mothers Day gone by. I had to slap myself (not literally) out of a moment wondering the if’s and could have been’s. No. I don’t want to go there. I looked around; said thank you, and smiled. Because there is hope. There has always been hope. His love and embrace has always given me Hope, even in the midst of the storm. Even when I cried and felt pain so intense, my soul crushed, I felt His love. His love doesn’t always feel like a close presence; but when you have felt the love of Jesus, you know in your spirit, that His love is present.
Mums, if you have been down this path of pregnancy loss, can I just sit with you here and tell you that it’s ok if you are not smiling today. It is ok if yesterday you felt like you were being thrown around in the waves of despair. Maybe today you are coming up for a breath and threading the waters well, that is great. But if tomorrow you find it harder, that is ok. But you will have a day that you will smile again.
And you will then say….I smile because He gives me Hope.
And I tell you this, because this is me. This was me. And this is still me. I still have those days I don’t feel like smiling, but I also have days filled with Hope.
October is Pregnancy Loss Awareness month and I have been privileged to read a beautiful book by author Adriel Booker. And I would like to pay it forward because this book has been written from the heart of a mum who has been down this journey too.
Adriel Booker, shares her very real and raw journey of loss and hope in her book Grace like Scarlett. This beautifully written book doesn’t give you the answers to why it has happened to you; but she invites you into a space of sharing what we all go through when we loose a pregnancy. She gives you space as she has given herself the space to go through this process of grief. She explains how grief is not a project we work on. It is not a linear process as we all have perhaps learnt about grief. Instead it is a process of going round and round. Even when we think we have dealt with certain emotions, they can still come back again. She draws on the Hope of Jesus through this journey of loss.
Her words are inviting and safe. I simply wished I had this book as i went through the raw and intense emotions of loss.
If you would like to read her book, you can purchase this book Grace like Scarlett on Amazon, or I have been privileged to read this book and have a very special giveaway to win a copy of this book.
*Entries close at midnight (AEST) 26th of October 2018 and a winner will be drawn and announced on the 27th of October 2018. *this is not a sponsored post by the author. It is simply my personal review of this book.
with love, Monica xx
Monica is a mother of two, a wife, a doctor and a life coach who is passionate about seeing women in meaningful community with one another, pursuing God and the purpose he’s instilled in them.
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